A Modest Proposal

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin shoots 17 year old daughter with "Anti-Insemination" Ray Gun at annual Christian Conservative Convention only to later learn that it was defective

Well,well,well.....so the Governor's 17 year old daughter is pregnant. Oh, happy day! Forgive me, but the schadenfreude delights me. I am giddy. It is always funny to me when people who proselytize to others how to live their lives (Bill Bennett, Ted Haggart, Jimmy Swaggart, etc) wind up having the very same problems as the rest of us. They are no better and no worse than everyone, yet they want to tell us that they know how Jesus want us to live. Hey, drop dead jackass. The thing that pisses me off is not their human frailty, which we all share, but their insistence on claiming the high moral ground when, in fact, they are flawed just like the rest of us. It's like the priest who preaches the Word of the Lord to his parishioners, but has one hand in the collection plate and the other down the pants of a nine year old boy. I mean, it just leaves a bad taste in your mouth (no pun intended). Anyway, I think this could have all been avoided. Remember what Palin claims she said that when Congress offered her state federal funding for the infamous pork-barrel boondoggle "Bridge to Nowhere"? She proudly claims that her response was, "Thanks, but no thanks." (When you read that, imagine it being spoken with that horrible Wisconsin/Minnesota/Midwestern nasal flat 'A' sound). Maybe Palin should have taught her daughter that phrase. The kid could have used it as birth control (when the guy offered up his rigid venison in the back seat of his sled, she could have politely said, "Thaaaanks, but no thaaaaaanks." )

So as long as Palin is the Republican candidate for Vice-President, I make a modest proposal (with apologies to Swift): I propose that if elected, McCain nominate Palin's daughter Bristol to be Secretary of State for these United States. We all know that Palin is known to bring her children to work, so it would be nice to find the something for the kid to do. She could bring the new baby to meet Putin and Ahmadinejad. Imagine her breast-feeding while negotiating the new Iraqi border with Ahmadinejad or discussing the rights of dispossessed Georgians with Putin while changing the diaper of little baby Anchorage. She could tour the globe as an ambassador for Conservative Christian values. Picture her and her husband Levi, their boots coated with elk shit and propped up on a conference table at Camp David, chewing on a Slim Jim, baby screaming for more moose milk, arguing over whose turn it is to clean out then crap bucket in their trailer while the Arabs and Israelis fidget nervously, staring at their shoes and commenting on the weather ("Hey, it's a hot one today, yes, Muhammad?" "Yes my friend, thank god"). And when she is called before Congress to testify on alleged corruption in the McCain-Palin administration, she would pause between breast pumps and shriek to her accusers, "Can't you see I'm a MOTHER!!! I'm PUMPING!" All good people and simple folk in America will comment on the callousness of those horrible elected officials in Washington, questioning a mother of all people. How dare they! It's a sin against god.

The young husband could become our newest celebutard. His mullet would become the fulcrum of a whole new retro-trash trend in fashion. But we all know that the true star would be the 17 year old bride. She will give birth right around Christmas (maybe even ON Christmas - holy shit!!!), giving rise to a myriad of new interpretations of the Christ story. Rove, Bush and Cheney will bring the baby frankincense and myrrh in the manger that was set up under the White House Christmas tree. The Christian Right will be wetting their pants! However, in a horrible twist of evangelical fate, soon after Bristol Palin is appointed Secretary of State, separate terrorist attacks will kill McCain, Palin, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and President pro tempore of the Senate Robert Byrd, making young Bristol Palin President of the United States. Her first act will be to appoint little baby Anchorage as Vice-President. Baby Anchorage's first act as Vice-President will be to soil her diaper. In doing so, she will have raised the bar for Vice-Presidential selection criteria for decades to come. People will criticize potential nominees for Vice-President by saying, "What experience does he have? What's he done? He doesn't even crap his pants!"